I'm switching gears for this post. Instead of posting my poetry, I have decided to compose an entry that may help me to calm my heart and nerves, and perhaps will let me sleep at night. And although no one will read it, maybe it can help me find some peace. I have no idea what else I should do.
I think that people have no idea how much their actions, or lack of action at all, really do affect other people. It isn't until we are the affected person that we realize this. I will come out and say that I am guilty of this too. I know of a time where I ignored the situation, hoping it would just go away on it's own. Out of sight, out of mind, right? Well, eventually it did go away, but it was wrong of me to approach it that way. Because in the process I know that I managed to hurt someone else. Someone who probably sat there wondering what he/she had done and why I couldn't just tell them. I was a coward, plain and simple. It doesn't excuse the behavior one bit, but it is a simple explanation as to why I couldn't bring myself to say the truth. Now that a few years has past since then, I still think about it from time to time. I feel guilty for being such a terrible human being. For not being able to do the humane thing for the sake of another person. Instead, I only thought of how I could make the situation better for myself. Selfish, selfish. Sometimes I loathe myself for allowing myself to treat someone else that way. I usually try to do the right thing by people and be a good person. Everyone has their flaws, right?
Speaking of flaws, I know what my biggest flaw is and I have no idea how to go about changing it. I THINK TOO MUCH. Seems like such a generic, obvious statement. But it is true. I worry and I stress out about things that other people wouldn't even think twice about. I think too deeply into things. I over-analyze everything. I wish I wasn't like this. Sometimes I think it drives people away. I also think it may have recently done this. But then, there I go, thinking too much. I guess I just try to make sense out of situations. But I wasn't like this my entire childhood. I can remember one particular incident, though, that changed me. Changed me into this neurotic, over-thinking monster. I need to let go of this incident, get past it. I want to get past it. I want to be able to live my life without trying to figure out the meaning of every little thing. But I don't know how to let go. How do you let go of something that completely changed your opinion of people in general and demolished your trust and confidence? That seems so dramatic sounding when I reread it, but to be blunt: it's true. My thought is that if I can let go of my "demons" so to speak, I can free myself from this over analyzing freak I've become. Maybe then people won't go running the other way. Okay, that sounds dramatic too, but I do wonder if this dilemma I have has turned away someone recently. Or if it wasn't meant to be. I know there are deeper problems in the world than my struggle with myself, but I think that if I can find a way to conquer this, I can finally be happy. Or feel happiness in life and become more confident. And maybe then this issue wouldn't be the cause of people turning the other way.
The trouble is, I don't know how to go about this. One person asked me to look to God. But it almost felt like an ultimatum to me. The idea of God didn't scare me at all like it once had and I had actually begun to embrace Him in my life, but it was the way in which I was asked to do this that scared me. I truly cared so much for this person who asked me to do this that I was afraid of losing him/her because of it. I'm not sure this person believed the sincerity in my words the night I said I was willing to accept Him. I have been trying to every day since then. In my own way. For myself, I have to approach it slowly. It is a big adjustment for me. It used to scare me and although it doesn't now, I still feel slightly overwhelmed by it. But that doesn't mean I gave up or that I only said I would do this just to avoid losing someone. I was doing it. In my mind and in my heart. And I wasn't just doing it for this person, I am doing it for me. I am still doing it now. I just don't know how to go about asking for help. I feel like I can't just say, "Hey, I now believe in you so help me." Doing that seems so selfish. It's like asking someone you just met to help you in a very big way, isn't it? Or is it different with God? I still just feel so selfish asking for guidance when I feel we've just started to become acquainted. Seems so mortally selfish to me. But, I honestly don't know enough about religion and God and Christianity to know. But everyday I am trying to change that. For me.
Maybe the first step to change is being able to admit, with a little bit of humility, the existence of your flaws and why you want to change them for the better. Have I achieved step one? Maybe. I can say that for now I do feel much more calm about things. I don't know what it is about writing down your feelings and thoughts and putting it out there for anyone to see, but it is a little empowering.
Goodnight world (or good morning). A Silent Voice has spoken.
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