Envy

Although you are so happy for them,
when everyone around you is getting engaged
it just reminds you of how single you are
and how much you want to find that happiness
for yourself that you see in your friends.
Maybe someday....
maybe not.

Dull

Constant blinking on a sea of white,
and there never seems to be an end.
Cannot find the perfect fit
so the color fills the monotonous space.
There's never any inspiration.
No passion.
What is there to live for
if there is nothing to be passionate about?

Lessons

You're so deceitful and I fell right for it
and fell hard.
You knew of my good nature
and feelings for you
and you manipulated me into thinking
you could reciprocate those feelings to me.
Why did I let you do this to me
over and over again?
Why can't my heart release this poison?
You can do nothing for me
but hurt me.
You can never be what I need or deserve.
I beg my heart to lose this infatuation
for everyday it breaks a little more.
All I want so badly is to forget about you
and never go back to that piece of my history.
I want to lock you away
in a vault inside my mind
where other mishaps from my past lie.
I cannot call you a mistake
because I have learned from you.
I have learned a vital lesson
which I will never disobey again:
Hold on to your heart so tight,
Don't let it go out of your sight,
for if you do,
it can only be returned in pieces.

Hopeless Romantic

I see a cloudless night sky
where the stars glow among a silver moon
Wildlife is calm
and autumn's chill reaches my fingertips
My heart is weak for nights like these
Just a hopeless romantic
lost in a trance from a poetic night
When all seems impossible
in my twisted, turbulent existence
when my soul feels trapped
in the entirely wrong place
I turn to the night
and find a parallel to my sorrow
The pool of blackness
is a guide into my misery
Although a romantic
I am also hopeless
and for this petty soul
I fear there is no future
bright enough to compete with the sun
My heart desires one thing
which my mind claims to be dangerous
It will hinder my potential
to be utterly amazing
for it has stolen my heart from my sleeve
and has beaten and torn the life right out
to where I fear I will never
feel the same about life and love again

Prince Charming

You can give your everything
and with all you have you can try,
but in the search for the perfect man
he just may be impossible to find.
But you continue down the aisles
with thousands beckoning your name
and it is here where you will find him:
written on a page.
He's vibrant and he's noble,
he's a knight in disguise,
every time he speaks to you
he looks into your eyes.
He always says the perfect thing
to make you fly above the sky,
through your ups and downs and smiles and frowns
he never leaves your side.
But when the story's finished
he will go back on the shelf,
and you must go back to reality
and live the life you're dealt.
You'll never find another man
who is exactly what you need,
because the only place you can find this man
is on the pages that you read.

(**Note: I don't normally write rhyming poetry, but I just let the words write themselves on this one.**)

Night

The brightest part of my day

is the night.

The crescent in the sky

dazzles my vision.

Scores of fireflies

dance in the breeze.

Stars provide a freckle-faced sky.

The world revolves once more.

Every day my heart grows weaker

and at night it is empowered yet again.

The night is where I seek solace.

The darkness covers my existence

and heals my wounds

if only for the night.

In the night I am invisible

and can hide from the light of day.

For in the light the darkness of the world shines through,

but in the night the light is the only thing that shines.

The Demons Inside

I'm switching gears for this post. Instead of posting my poetry, I have decided to compose an entry that may help me to calm my heart and nerves, and perhaps will let me sleep at night. And although no one will read it, maybe it can help me find some peace. I have no idea what else I should do.

I think that people have no idea how much their actions, or lack of action at all, really do affect other people. It isn't until we are the affected person that we realize this. I will come out and say that I am guilty of this too. I know of a time where I ignored the situation, hoping it would just go away on it's own. Out of sight, out of mind, right? Well, eventually it did go away, but it was wrong of me to approach it that way. Because in the process I know that I managed to hurt someone else. Someone who probably sat there wondering what he/she had done and why I couldn't just tell them. I was a coward, plain and simple. It doesn't excuse the behavior one bit, but it is a simple explanation as to why I couldn't bring myself to say the truth. Now that a few years has past since then, I still think about it from time to time. I feel guilty for being such a terrible human being. For not being able to do the humane thing for the sake of another person. Instead, I only thought of how I could make the situation better for myself. Selfish, selfish. Sometimes I loathe myself for allowing myself to treat someone else that way. I usually try to do the right thing by people and be a good person. Everyone has their flaws, right?

Speaking of flaws, I know what my biggest flaw is and I have no idea how to go about changing it. I THINK TOO MUCH. Seems like such a generic, obvious statement. But it is true. I worry and I stress out about things that other people wouldn't even think twice about. I think too deeply into things. I over-analyze everything. I wish I wasn't like this. Sometimes I think it drives people away. I also think it may have recently done this. But then, there I go, thinking too much. I guess I just try to make sense out of situations. But I wasn't like this my entire childhood. I can remember one particular incident, though, that changed me. Changed me into this neurotic, over-thinking monster. I need to let go of this incident, get past it. I want to get past it. I want to be able to live my life without trying to figure out the meaning of every little thing. But I don't know how to let go. How do you let go of something that completely changed your opinion of people in general and demolished your trust and confidence? That seems so dramatic sounding when I reread it, but to be blunt: it's true. My thought is that if I can let go of my "demons" so to speak, I can free myself from this over analyzing freak I've become. Maybe then people won't go running the other way. Okay, that sounds dramatic too, but I do wonder if this dilemma I have has turned away someone recently. Or if it wasn't meant to be. I know there are deeper problems in the world than my struggle with myself, but I think that if I can find a way to conquer this, I can finally be happy. Or feel happiness in life and become more confident. And maybe then this issue wouldn't be the cause of people turning the other way.

The trouble is, I don't know how to go about this. One person asked me to look to God. But it almost felt like an ultimatum to me. The idea of God didn't scare me at all like it once had and I had actually begun to embrace Him in my life, but it was the way in which I was asked to do this that scared me. I truly cared so much for this person who asked me to do this that I was afraid of losing him/her because of it. I'm not sure this person believed the sincerity in my words the night I said I was willing to accept Him. I have been trying to every day since then. In my own way. For myself, I have to approach it slowly. It is a big adjustment for me. It used to scare me and although it doesn't now, I still feel slightly overwhelmed by it. But that doesn't mean I gave up or that I only said I would do this just to avoid losing someone. I was doing it. In my mind and in my heart. And I wasn't just doing it for this person, I am doing it for me. I am still doing it now. I just don't know how to go about asking for help. I feel like I can't just say, "Hey, I now believe in you so help me." Doing that seems so selfish. It's like asking someone you just met to help you in a very big way, isn't it? Or is it different with God? I still just feel so selfish asking for guidance when I feel we've just started to become acquainted. Seems so mortally selfish to me. But, I honestly don't know enough about religion and God and Christianity to know. But everyday I am trying to change that. For me.

Maybe the first step to change is being able to admit, with a little bit of humility, the existence of your flaws and why you want to change them for the better. Have I achieved step one? Maybe. I can say that for now I do feel much more calm about things. I don't know what it is about writing down your feelings and thoughts and putting it out there for anyone to see, but it is a little empowering.

Goodnight world (or good morning). A Silent Voice has spoken.

Broken Hearted

I fell so hard, unlike I ever had before
and you let me fall.
You weren't there to catch me.
An image of you stood at the bottom,
frozen in time, smiling and waiting for me to fall.
And when I did, it wasn't you.
It was all an illusion.
Why must I put myself through this?
I cannot feel this pain again.
My heart is numb,
my desires are gone.
All positive hope for myself has been lifted from my reach.
You were something incredible to me.
You meant the world, you were my world.
I didn't mean that much to you.
I never mean that much to anyone.
My biggest weakness is that I care too much.
I fear it will be my end.
I am surrendering all hope for love.
Love hurts worse than it is capable of creating happiness.
I am done trying to be happy.
I keep trying on happiness, but it never fits.
I will live my life without it.
I have so far...

Lost

I don't understand what I have become.
Each day passes as quickly as the one before,
and yet I feel so empty.
My life is nothing as I had imagined it would be.
Happy is how I saw myself.
I am in a vulnerable place
and I feel so alone.
I don't know that anyone could understand
the way I feel tonight, tomorrow, yesterday.
I am a failure. I am worthless to society.
I search for the desire to be more than this,
yet I cannot find the determination and drive.
Some days I want to be so alone
that I dream of getting lost in isolation
and never returning.
I find myself consumed by my thoughts,
thoughts that drag me deeper and deeper into my mind
that I wonder if I can pull myself back up.
Then I question if I even want to be brought back.
I imagine the unthinkable happening to me,
and wonder how much it really would matter.
Where am I going and what am I doing?
I just don't know and don't even know if I really want to.

Crossfire

Caught in a crossfire inside my mind,
I see a blur of uncertainty,
a large cloud covering my world in gray.
No light can escape to aid me.
The path is sharp and winding,
there is no room for me to continue on.
I must give up.
You knew I'd never make it.
You told me to my face everyday.
You'd say, "You're too weak for this world."
I thought I could prove you wrong,
I fell at your feet and begged for another fate.
A dagger strikes my hopes and dreams,
and suffocates the only thing I've ever known to be true:
My love for you will never die.
My vision is slowly flooding,
and I know I've lost you forever.
So run away, far away,
to unfamiliar places.
Give yourself a world, a life, I could only dream of.
I will suffer for eternity in a world of gray,
everyday knowing my biggest mistake:
I let you down in every possible way
and there is nothing I could do to get you back.